NYE 2019

The hardest thing I did in the past year or even decade was say goodbye to my Grandpa. Honestly, this is what was hardest for me. In comparison to Grandpa’s diagnosis of pancreatic cancer and deteriorating, everything else seemed “like a piece of cake”.

Losing Grandpa was harder than
. . . being full time at two colleges in the same semester
.… preparing to visit my estranged father through prayer and then actually go to my estranged father’s funeral
.… learning of my many chronic illness limitations and diagnoses
.… saying “no” to moving away to go for a wonderful master’s program two hours away from home
.… pursuing reconciliation in many relationships
.… recapturing once blocked, memories.
… going to therapy for my own mental health. Not for anyone else, just for me.

None of those things could ever hold a candle against losing my Grandpa. See, he wasn’t just my grandpa. He became our babysitter. He loved us so well. He loved Jesus, taught his family about God and hard work, and was a man of few words.

Tonight, I was reminded again about how great my Grandpa was. His faith was greatly influenced by Dr. David Jeremiah. So whenever I heard about a new book available through his ministry, one which tugged at my heart, all I ever had to do was call my Grandpa. My earthly hero, except for my Mom. And I knew, he would get it for me. To bless my relationship with Jesus Christ!

Most girls just have to call their Daddy. Well, all I had to do was call my Grandpa. Even though I am in tears as I write this, I wouldn’t change anything about his diagnosis. Because if I did, I run the risk of not being there for him on a daily basis for those six weeks. I run the risk of not being able to pray over him as much as I did. I run the risk of not being able to occasionally hold his hand and read Scriptures aloud – or simply sit with him as we watch a live church service from a church in Kansas [Lenexa Baptist] or Mississippi [Jackson Baptist].

While this year was painful to the core, it helped me to:

. . . unleash love on those I love.
… pour His love and truth onto others.
… make memories with my loved ones and Grandpa before his passing
. . . be honest about how he was my earthly daddy .
… learn of my need for self care, even more. I still haven’t “bounced back,” but I will overcome this in time.
… write even more through the process of grief.

For making it through my heartfelt post, I want to share something with you: we will begin a 100 day Philippian bible study very soon! Working on the journal as I write this.

the start date will be announced later this week.

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